Election 2014 live blog

by little red pen

Well, here we go. We’re having a party with two old friends, their children, my sister, her partner and baby, and us lot. That makes one tv, five children (only one of whom is over five), a laptop, snacks, a cat, and dishes to do.

I’m going to help with the dishes, but would just like to note that Linda Clark kicked things off by referring to “voterland”. That’d be the country, I guess.

7.17pm We now know John Key’s pizza order. How enlightening. Now we’re finding out about the menu at David Cunliffe’s house. Sausages and rocket salad.

7.18pm off to check on children and do dishes.

8.02pm Half the dishes are done and we are eating chips, dip, fruit, cheerios and tomato sauce. The children have had a few scraps, and now they’re building a train track. The Cat is working on ways to bring soccer into the conversation, and the McLaughlin sisters are well pleased to see that our friends made soup mix dip. Our childhood was built on that stuff.

I’m trying to avoid sugar, so I bought coconut milk instead of soy milk. It’s okaaaayyyy.

8.07pm The Cat is covering the tv with a Green party sign, which would make for a more cheerful, but less informed evening.

8.11pm I’d like to straighten Matthew Hooten’s jacket collar. Is it his posture or his tailoring?

8.12pm “We felt that Epsom was always going to go Act’s way.” Well, no shit, Joyce.

8.14pm Wild camera work. Blue lights. Disco politics.

8.16pm The Cat is calling a typo at 8.11pm. Damn, he’s right. I’m going to edit it now. This is getting very “meta”.

8.17pm Three children playing with a fire engine, one on the iPad, and 31% Green in Wellington Central. This may be the high point of the night.

8.20pm Fudge and cake. Sugar is in for the night.

8.21pm Act ate the vegetarians. Hang on…

8.26pm Hone and Laila looking safe-ish. Laila for PM!

8.28pm Just watched someone talking for three minutes before realising it was Trevor Mallard. Can’t see him without remembering the Cat’s comment when we passed his electorate office on the bus: “Is that a man or a duck?”

8.32pm My brother-in-law is entertaining his baby with a green tie. God, it’s adorable.

8.46pm I just realised that the NZ First vote is tracking about the same as the Greens’. I’m 85% confident about that apostrophe and 100% dismayed at that result.

8.59pm Ian is reading Olivia stories to the Rabbit, Essy is putting her children to bed, the Cat is reading Calvin and Hobbes (building his master plan for familial domination) and National is looking to have a healthy lead. And Te Tai Tokerau is closing between Hone and Kelvin Davis. Might be time to go home soon.

9.53pm One child asleep, one on the loo, and the news getting steadily worse.

10.00pm Winston stonewalling a reporter. What an unusual sight.

10.04pm Winston and the Greens giving their speeches. Te Tai Tokerau looking like it’s gone for Hone. Lots of the Māori seats going to Labour. I need a hot water bottle and my pyjamas. Might even be time to start drinking.

10.24pm Cointreau.

10.28pm David Seymour re-defines the word poodle. Apparently.

10.30pm Laila Harre is ignoring INANE questions from reporters. I do like her jackets.

This is so depressing. Three more years without progress on poverty or climate change. Without care of our rivers or for our people. With narrow and box-ticking educational objectives for our kids and no hope for our students. With our sovereignty being steadily eroded and with a complete lack of vision for a country that values all its citizens, its land, its water, its wairua. Damn it.

10.42pm Is Bill English shorter than I thought or is Patrick Gower standing on something?

10.44pm A lot of barracking from the Cat. He doesn’t seem to like John Key.

10.47pm Cunliffe arriving. Gotta love the party faithful. A few too many adverbs for my liking. What does he mean “put aside political differences and work for the good of this country”????

11.07pm A haka for Key? Why???

I’m going to need more Cointreau.

11.14pm I like Duncan Garner’s graphics, but he doesn’t know what “decimation” means. Should have studied Latin.

11.22pm Linda Clark pointing out that almost every party except National believes that National’s approach to poverty is wrong. Yep.

11.24pm No more to say. Gotta turf a Cat out of my bed.